Introduction
Stroke represents an infant's need for touch. It is as much necessary for grown up adults as it was when we were infants and children. We observe that children seek undivided parental attention every twenty minutes. They engage in mischief if the same is denied. This need for touch is fulfilled by adults by holding or shaking hands, an affectionate embrace, looking compassionately, speaking to each other, giving and receiving undivided attention, being praised or appreciated, being noticed, being thanked, being heard attentively, and many more similar. These are healthy modes of stroking. If these are denied or one experiences a lack of them recourse is taken to unhealthy modes. These result in hurt, injury, insult, pain, embarrassment, guilt or feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, distress and the like. These are symbolic forms of touch. Prayer, meditation and social service also give an yield of healthy strokes.
Strokes have a bodily component. Strokes have survival value. Therefore, people seek them out. Some stroke is better than no stroke at all. When healthy strokes are not available people obtain unhealthy strokes. Stroke deprivation leads to neurological, psychological and emotional disorders in children. Stroke deprivation causes the spinal cord to shrivel up. Marasmus or Anaclytic Depression results.
Definition of Stroke
A stroke is defined as a unit of recognition. By unit is meant any activity that promotes recognition. Physical touch, looking and listening are the principal modes. Examples are given in the introduction. Stroke is also described by Berne as being a fundamental unit of social action. Social action is activity in twos and groups that contributes in mutual growth and development.
Stroke Accounting and Stroke Economy
Stroke Accounting and Stroke Economy are modes in which stokes are given and received. Mentally healthy people (script free people) have no inhibition in giving, receiving, asking, rejecting, discarding strokes and self stroking. Mentally unhealthy people (script-ridden / script-prone people) are in denial mode in these areas.
These manifest as stroking patterns explained in the table below.
Mode
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Healthy People - Accounting
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Unhealthy People - Economy
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Giving
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Give the strokes they have with them to give.
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They do not give the strokes they have with them to give.
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Receiving
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They receive the strokes that are given to give to them.
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They do not receive the strokes that are given to them.
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Asking
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They ask for strokes they need from others.
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They do not ask for the strokes they need.
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Rejecting and Discarding
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They reject and discard strokes that are hurting, painful or unpalatable.
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They do not reject and discard the strokes that are hurting or painful.
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Self Stroking
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They do self stroking by way of self acceptance, self praise, and boosting self value, worth, dignity and esteem.
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They do not do self stroking by way of self acceptance, self praise and boosting self value, worth, dignity and esteem.
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Stroking Profile / Strokogram
The stroking patterns generate a stroking profile. The same can be mapped in a bar-chart like the one shown below. It shows the relative stroke appetite in five areas of dealing with strokes.
Stroke Bank
Strokes may not be available all the time. People store strokes for future use. Like for example a couple which has separated for employment would retain happy memoires of their union during separation. The same is true in children sent to boarding schools. Script prone people retain memories of pain, hurt, insult, injury, embarrassment, guilt or feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, distress, hate, dislike and resentment as examples.
Factors affecting retention of strokes
The quality, intensity, depth, impact and memory are factors that affect retention of strokes. Our frame of reference and life position concerning the event, person, circumstances in the moment prevailing influence the factors lead to retention of strokes.
Types of Strokes
We have seen that strokes can be physical (kinesthetic), visual and auditory. Strokes can also be symbolic. These strokes can be positive or negative, verbal or non-verbal and conditional or unconditional.
Positive and negative strokes : Positive strokes are pleasant. They make us feel nice. They boost well being and enhance our self image. Negative strokes are unpleasant. They deny well being and mar our self image. Positive strokes may not last long. To the contrary negative strokes are retained for a long time. It is said that negative strokes hurt the body down to the cells.
Positive strokes are pleasant. They provide a feeling of well being, boost our self image and deliver a feel good factor. Being attended to, being recognised, being praised being upheld constitute positive strokes. Negative strokes in contrast are unpleasant. They deprive the feeling of well being, deny a good self image and also deny the feel good factor. Being overlooked, being blamed, being hung on the hook or blamed, being cornered are negative strokes. Positive strokes have short retention. In contrast negative strokes have a deep impact and retention is for a long time. Negative strokes leave trails of pain, hurt and feeling bad. Intense negative strokes hurt the body down to the cell.
Verbal and Non-verbal Strokes
Verbal strokes are delivered by saying something. Non-verbal strokes are conveyed by facial expressions, gestures, touch, a hug, kiss, pat, holding, movements of hands, posture and pose.
Conditional and Un-conditional Strokes
Conditional strokes are given for a reason. Something said about how we look, how we have dressed, how we have performed or done something are examples of conditional strokes. Unconditional strokes are given for who we are. You are lovable, you are good, I like you, you are an asset, I hate you, I despise you, get lost are examples of un-conditional strokes.
When put together they generate eight types of strokes. They are:
Positive Verbal Conditional Negative Verbal Conditional
Positive Verbal Un-conditional Negative Verbal Un-conditional
Positive Non-verbal Conditional Negative Non-verbal Conditional
Positive Non-verbal Un-conditional Negative Non-verbal Un-conditional
Other Types of Strokes
There are three other types of strokes. They are Marshmallows, counterfeit strokes and filtered strokes.
Marshmallows
Marshmallows are statements without any stroke content - bland and non-stimulating or statements which are obviously insincere. “Good Morning Sir. You look so fresh. It looks you had a good nights sleep.” as an example. The person looks drained and tired.
Counterfeit Strokes
These are pleasant statements with a hidden sting / pinch / prick / pain / hurt causing content. “Hi young man. I see you are wearing this ‘Alligator Tee Shirt’. It looks really good on you. I used to export loads of these to India for the grey market.” as an example. Fact was that the person had paid quite a sum for the shirt in a branded shop and felt humiliated.
Filtered Strokes
Filtered strokes are distorted strokes. A well meaning statement is taken by the other in a distorted sense. Boss praises the subordinate thus: “Thank you for your help. It made my task easy to implement. I am now ready for the presentation and your contribution has been immense.” The subordinate makes out something different. He says something like this to himself: “All bosses are alike. All these statements are meant to take advantage later on. Now I will be used time and again.”
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